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For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.