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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon