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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.