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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.