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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Don’t believe everything you think.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.