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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming