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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.