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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.