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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....