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I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.