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I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.