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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"