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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob