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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
My pants are 75% off.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.