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I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
It makes me sad that so many women feel like they have to wear makeup and clothes.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I just ran a .003048K
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.