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My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".