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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."