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I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.