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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.