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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.