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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?