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Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”