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Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.