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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.