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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.