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I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.