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Iād be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."