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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
How Big is Infinity?
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.