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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards