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I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
I need a new bad decision.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.