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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...