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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.