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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.