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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?