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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?