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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
I give myself the best presents.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.