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Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.