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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?