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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.