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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops