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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.