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First fart at my new job.
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”