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So if one was to type ‘idiot’ into Google, would your picture come up?
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?