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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
I`ve decided!! Iām giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands