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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.