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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Insert coin to view my status message.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.