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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?