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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.