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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.