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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
is in no shape to exercise
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.