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Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough