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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.