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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I had your cake and ate it too.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s