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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
“Knock him out.” – Mama
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.