Daily Silly Status

I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.

The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.

My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.

Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.

There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..

Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.

Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life