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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.