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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
The word bed looks like a bed.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself