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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...