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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....