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I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it