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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.