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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.