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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.