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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.