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I wish my mind had a delete button.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
Reincarnation is my only hope.