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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.