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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.