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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…