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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."