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Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.