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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.