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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.