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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
I think I may be getting harder to love.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.