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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
when in Rome get naked ;)
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."