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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.