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A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.