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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?