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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.