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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.