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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.