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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
It’s a status….not your diary…