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If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.