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Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?