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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.