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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.