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I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.