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I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.