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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.