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If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
is "insert clever remark here."
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.