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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.