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The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.