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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.